why the FUCK do i ALWAYS get sick?!
its either my stomach or major migrains.
now, i have a sore throat. ughhhhhhh!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
irritated &&sats
FUCK! i only got about 1500 on my sats. -.-
so im taking it again in march.
oh btw, im fucking irritated! stupid hypocritical bitch. i would vent right now, but i dont have time. imma go in my room and do homework.
oh, and no valentine this year. sucks.
so im taking it again in march.
oh btw, im fucking irritated! stupid hypocritical bitch. i would vent right now, but i dont have time. imma go in my room and do homework.
oh, and no valentine this year. sucks.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
dad..
im so tired of getting yelled at and bitched at for every thing that i do, even if im doing what he "wants" or doing what i actually need to do. im constantly getting lectured and bitched at for the failure that i am and for being such a disappointment to him, and for not being like one of his friends' kids or a lady on the news channel or something like that etc. im constantly being compared to unrealistic people as my dad "sets standards" for me and is constantly bitching at me for not reaching them. even if i stay home like he says, im wasting my time. and when im not home and im elsewhere like working or studying, im apparently a drug dealing hooker. -.-
nothign i even do, nothing i ever say ever pleases him. im apparently not good enough for him to even want to be alive, and im apparently not good enough for him to even want to call me his daughter.
sometimes shit like this just goes through one ear and out the other, and i simply try to ignore it. but other times, it really gets to me, and it makes me an emotional wreck as i cry and drown myself in tears for the reason of me being a complete failure in everyones eyes.
this relates back to how i always feel like im living my life to please others, and currently, am doing a shitty job at it. and this relates back to how im never good enough, for anyone. whether its my dad, my teachers, my boyfriends, my friends and myself.
i hate this feeling. i just wanna run away and find someone who is proud of me. but better yet, i just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel satisfied with where im at and how im feeling, cause ihavent felt that way for five years now.
nothign i even do, nothing i ever say ever pleases him. im apparently not good enough for him to even want to be alive, and im apparently not good enough for him to even want to call me his daughter.
sometimes shit like this just goes through one ear and out the other, and i simply try to ignore it. but other times, it really gets to me, and it makes me an emotional wreck as i cry and drown myself in tears for the reason of me being a complete failure in everyones eyes.
this relates back to how i always feel like im living my life to please others, and currently, am doing a shitty job at it. and this relates back to how im never good enough, for anyone. whether its my dad, my teachers, my boyfriends, my friends and myself.
i hate this feeling. i just wanna run away and find someone who is proud of me. but better yet, i just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel satisfied with where im at and how im feeling, cause ihavent felt that way for five years now.
Monday, February 2, 2009
mikey
i remember, i posted a blog, when i was pissed at mike, and i told him that "im never going to be alone" and that i will always have someone that loves me. but sometimes, i think, and i think.. who?
of course my family does, but sometimes i question mikey. we've gotten into plenty of arguments and the one thing that i always remember, is that he said "im boo without her" - and thinkin about this past weekend, how i was there, every minute he was going insane, crying his eyes out, bleeding, screaming, cussing yelling, hitting, grabbing.. etc and i didnt leave him once. even though the many times he told me to get away from him to leave him to get the fuck out of his face and the many times he walked and ran away from me... i still tried. i still pushed to get him back into my car, i tried to calm him down, wipe away his blood, withstand his abuse and insults and stuff. but at the end of it all, i think about, would he do the same for me? cause really, that was the worst experience in my life. i never ever felt liek that towards him. that scared. that angry. that worried. that lost. i felt all over the place. but i didnt leave his side. i didnt drive away. i never said "fuck you mikey, im leaving" never did i do or say that.
i just wonder sometimes, if he would put up with me, if i did what he did. if i cried and went crazy like he did. cause i know, he has a very low bullshit tolerance, and this recent weekend, was full of unnecessary bullshit.
idk, i love mikey to death, i just wonder, if i went that crazy like he did, if he would be there.
cause no doubt, i know that if anyone ever hurts me or touches me or fucks with me. he is right there to fight for me, but i just dont want him to ever leave.
of course my family does, but sometimes i question mikey. we've gotten into plenty of arguments and the one thing that i always remember, is that he said "im boo without her" - and thinkin about this past weekend, how i was there, every minute he was going insane, crying his eyes out, bleeding, screaming, cussing yelling, hitting, grabbing.. etc and i didnt leave him once. even though the many times he told me to get away from him to leave him to get the fuck out of his face and the many times he walked and ran away from me... i still tried. i still pushed to get him back into my car, i tried to calm him down, wipe away his blood, withstand his abuse and insults and stuff. but at the end of it all, i think about, would he do the same for me? cause really, that was the worst experience in my life. i never ever felt liek that towards him. that scared. that angry. that worried. that lost. i felt all over the place. but i didnt leave his side. i didnt drive away. i never said "fuck you mikey, im leaving" never did i do or say that.
i just wonder sometimes, if he would put up with me, if i did what he did. if i cried and went crazy like he did. cause i know, he has a very low bullshit tolerance, and this recent weekend, was full of unnecessary bullshit.
idk, i love mikey to death, i just wonder, if i went that crazy like he did, if he would be there.
cause no doubt, i know that if anyone ever hurts me or touches me or fucks with me. he is right there to fight for me, but i just dont want him to ever leave.
work, home; boys
so, its been a VERY long time, since i haven't blogged. and thats due to my crazy work schedule.
but let me update you on some shit.
hmm, i work at two jobs now. i work about like 21-26 hours a week. so thats two days off, if i didnt request any other day off.
things at home are still the same. its like shit. i come home getting yelled at for never being home. when i stay home i get yelled at for my "unproductivity" and other shit too. and i know, its not entirely my fault. and its dumb because, i never seem to be able to make my dad happy regardless of how hard i try. i stay up till 4 in the morning doing homework, and he comes outside and yells an ear full for me staying up saying like.. "whythefuck are you up so late, homework should only take you an hour; you disappoint me; you are a waste of life; why cant you be 18 so i can retire in vietnam ETC ... like , all this shit that makes me feel like shit. all this crap that he says to me that makes me want to give up. and honestly, for a couple of months it did. i stopped going to school, i stopped caring, i stopped trying, and my gpa really dropped. but now, im so cold and bitter towards him, i just try to ignore it. i just know that there is nothng i can do to make him shut up and realize all the shit that i do in and out of school. there is nothing i can do to make him believe that im not a drug dealing prostitute. idk, i cant explain well the things that happen in my house, really, not even my best friend mikey knows. lately, i just try to not say anything and show no sign of weakness cause i dont want to complain and whine about the shit that i go through, caus ei just feel as if, the people i tell, they just pity me, and i dont want them to pity me, i wont them to really actually care. but its w.e. enough of that shit.
as for Michael delosreyes, i guess i just dropped all the shit that has happened in the past. im just w/e about it now. idk what made me forgive and let go all the shit that shit he put me through. i just dont care anymore. its just lately, i just feel so emotionless and even at times, full of mixed emotions.
for example, i was recently "interested" in a guy, and that shattered to pieces.
i just want to be happy, and i feel as if im surrounded by so much bullshit, its driving me insane.
i just want a fucking guy to be REAL with me. i want a guy thats not full of bullshit, thats considerate and thats not just out there for sex. cause in all honesty, i dont want that, i never did. ill admit, sometimes i get caught up in the moment, but idk why people think that i have sex on a fucking regular basis, cause its not even like that. but, even then, i dont know what i want, idk if i want a serious relationship, idk if i want just a "fling" . well actually, i dotn want a fling, cause that leaves me to be vulnerable to get used. etc. i guess you can just say, i need someone who understands me..
AHHHH im just so stressed and so confused, and my emotions are everywhere. i dont even know. one day i think i know what i want, the next day im fucking out of it and i wont even remember your name. right now, im just trying to keep myself happy and do the best i can to keep myself up.
imma stop complaining, sometimes i catch myself whining and complaining baout how bad i have it, but its just that, i feel so miserable sometimes, like at the end of the day, im really not happy. and i just occupy myself the whole day with artificial shit that "makes me happy" for that time being. i just want to be happy. but i guess tahts too much to ask for.
but let me update you on some shit.
hmm, i work at two jobs now. i work about like 21-26 hours a week. so thats two days off, if i didnt request any other day off.
things at home are still the same. its like shit. i come home getting yelled at for never being home. when i stay home i get yelled at for my "unproductivity" and other shit too. and i know, its not entirely my fault. and its dumb because, i never seem to be able to make my dad happy regardless of how hard i try. i stay up till 4 in the morning doing homework, and he comes outside and yells an ear full for me staying up saying like.. "whythefuck are you up so late, homework should only take you an hour; you disappoint me; you are a waste of life; why cant you be 18 so i can retire in vietnam ETC ... like , all this shit that makes me feel like shit. all this crap that he says to me that makes me want to give up. and honestly, for a couple of months it did. i stopped going to school, i stopped caring, i stopped trying, and my gpa really dropped. but now, im so cold and bitter towards him, i just try to ignore it. i just know that there is nothng i can do to make him shut up and realize all the shit that i do in and out of school. there is nothing i can do to make him believe that im not a drug dealing prostitute. idk, i cant explain well the things that happen in my house, really, not even my best friend mikey knows. lately, i just try to not say anything and show no sign of weakness cause i dont want to complain and whine about the shit that i go through, caus ei just feel as if, the people i tell, they just pity me, and i dont want them to pity me, i wont them to really actually care. but its w.e. enough of that shit.
as for Michael delosreyes, i guess i just dropped all the shit that has happened in the past. im just w/e about it now. idk what made me forgive and let go all the shit that shit he put me through. i just dont care anymore. its just lately, i just feel so emotionless and even at times, full of mixed emotions.
for example, i was recently "interested" in a guy, and that shattered to pieces.
i just want to be happy, and i feel as if im surrounded by so much bullshit, its driving me insane.
i just want a fucking guy to be REAL with me. i want a guy thats not full of bullshit, thats considerate and thats not just out there for sex. cause in all honesty, i dont want that, i never did. ill admit, sometimes i get caught up in the moment, but idk why people think that i have sex on a fucking regular basis, cause its not even like that. but, even then, i dont know what i want, idk if i want a serious relationship, idk if i want just a "fling" . well actually, i dotn want a fling, cause that leaves me to be vulnerable to get used. etc. i guess you can just say, i need someone who understands me..
AHHHH im just so stressed and so confused, and my emotions are everywhere. i dont even know. one day i think i know what i want, the next day im fucking out of it and i wont even remember your name. right now, im just trying to keep myself happy and do the best i can to keep myself up.
imma stop complaining, sometimes i catch myself whining and complaining baout how bad i have it, but its just that, i feel so miserable sometimes, like at the end of the day, im really not happy. and i just occupy myself the whole day with artificial shit that "makes me happy" for that time being. i just want to be happy. but i guess tahts too much to ask for.
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