work, home; boys

so, its been a VERY long time, since i haven't blogged. and thats due to my crazy work schedule.

but let me update you on some shit.

hmm, i work at two jobs now. i work about like 21-26 hours a week. so thats two days off, if i didnt request any other day off.

things at home are still the same. its like shit. i come home getting yelled at for never being home. when i stay home i get yelled at for my "unproductivity" and other shit too. and i know, its not entirely my fault. and its dumb because, i never seem to be able to make my dad happy regardless of how hard i try. i stay up till 4 in the morning doing homework, and he comes outside and yells an ear full for me staying up saying like.. "whythefuck are you up so late, homework should only take you an hour; you disappoint me; you are a waste of life; why cant you be 18 so i can retire in vietnam ETC ... like , all this shit that makes me feel like shit. all this crap that he says to me that makes me want to give up. and honestly, for a couple of months it did. i stopped going to school, i stopped caring, i stopped trying, and my gpa really dropped. but now, im so cold and bitter towards him, i just try to ignore it. i just know that there is nothng i can do to make him shut up and realize all the shit that i do in and out of school. there is nothing i can do to make him believe that im not a drug dealing prostitute. idk, i cant explain well the things that happen in my house, really, not even my best friend mikey knows. lately, i just try to not say anything and show no sign of weakness cause i dont want to complain and whine about the shit that i go through, caus ei just feel as if, the people i tell, they just pity me, and i dont want them to pity me, i wont them to really actually care. but its w.e. enough of that shit.

as for Michael delosreyes, i guess i just dropped all the shit that has happened in the past. im just w/e about it now. idk what made me forgive and let go all the shit that shit he put me through. i just dont care anymore. its just lately, i just feel so emotionless and even at times, full of mixed emotions.

for example, i was recently "interested" in a guy, and that shattered to pieces.

i just want to be happy, and i feel as if im surrounded by so much bullshit, its driving me insane.
i just want a fucking guy to be REAL with me. i want a guy thats not full of bullshit, thats considerate and thats not just out there for sex. cause in all honesty, i dont want that, i never did. ill admit, sometimes i get caught up in the moment, but idk why people think that i have sex on a fucking regular basis, cause its not even like that. but, even then, i dont know what i want, idk if i want a serious relationship, idk if i want just a "fling" . well actually, i dotn want a fling, cause that leaves me to be vulnerable to get used. etc. i guess you can just say, i need someone who understands me..

AHHHH im just so stressed and so confused, and my emotions are everywhere. i dont even know. one day i think i know what i want, the next day im fucking out of it and i wont even remember your name. right now, im just trying to keep myself happy and do the best i can to keep myself up.

imma stop complaining, sometimes i catch myself whining and complaining baout how bad i have it, but its just that, i feel so miserable sometimes, like at the end of the day, im really not happy. and i just occupy myself the whole day with artificial shit that "makes me happy" for that time being. i just want to be happy. but i guess tahts too much to ask for.