thinking and insecurities

i hate thinking about the way i think. why? cause it makes me frustrated and upset. i can never seem to live freely or do things just cause, cause what always seems to influence and sway how what and why i think is BECAUSE i think. does that make sense? and sometimes it gets to the point where my thinking process disables me to do certain things. to have fear. to be insecure. etc.

thats my problem. im insecure. im an emotional wreak. im weak.

but i think about why im that way. and why im so insecure. sometimes i want to blame my family. but i dont want to put it that way. its just... wherever i am, whoever im with, whoever im surrounded by- in everyones eyes , the eyes that matter... they alwyas seem to portray me as a failure. i feel so pathetic sometimes cause of how weak i can be. it makes me sick.

i feel like a bird trapped in a cage that has never gotten the opportunities to spread her wings because they are being help diown by the standards of this fucked up society. theyre held down by fear. they are held down by doing something that isnt known to me.

i fee4ling like im going off on a tangent because now i feel like talking about relationships and love.

but ill just cut it here. so much on my mind. and i havent got back into the feel for writing and expressing it electronically

its been too long

... since ive blogged. a lot of shit has happened at home, school, work, sports etc that i dont even know where to begin.

i feel like i always end up being the side dish. when i stop talking to guys and move on, they begin to try to talk to me again, when by then, im not remotely interested anymore. its just lame, cause i always end up being "the secret" like they are too ashamed to let people know that we're talking. and then they think im some dumb whore who doesnt recognize it when i know that they are just trying to use me. -___-

im glad that i have friends like alicia caudillo; she is literally the only person that ive told COMPLETELY everything to.

but really though, so much shit has happened its crazy. there have been some fucking bomb as nights that ill never forget and there are nights i wished never happened.

OH, and im still on my streak. im determined not to have sex till my senior year and yet no one fucking believes me taht i cna do it. they make it seem as if im a sex-addict or like im some fucking whore that goes around and screws the entire world. -.- all i know is, its been more than five months and im still counting.

oh and as for all the fucking rumors that ive been hearing..
NO tim didnt lose his fucking virginity to me. i didnt even do anything with him
i HAVE NOT HAD SEX SINCE THAT INICIDENT .. that im sure people already know about.
and if you think im EASY, fucking try me.

fuck, it just bugs me how people make all this stupid shit up about me and especially when its not true.

whatever, anyways. my dad went to vietnam for like a month. im moving out of my house no later than by the end of the school year. and im hopefully getting my corolla.

ill blog later maybe. im in journalism class. bye.

Oh and, guys ARE A FUCKING WASTE OF MY TIME CAUSE ALL THEY DO IS TRY TO PLAY GAMES WITH ME. >=O

OH btw, i fucking love LINDSEY VAN KIM RUBI & CHUNG KIM!

sickness

why the FUCK do i ALWAYS get sick?!
its either my stomach or major migrains.
now, i have a sore throat. ughhhhhhh!

irritated &&sats

FUCK! i only got about 1500 on my sats. -.-
so im taking it again in march.

oh btw, im fucking irritated! stupid hypocritical bitch. i would vent right now, but i dont have time. imma go in my room and do homework.

oh, and no valentine this year. sucks.

dad..

im so tired of getting yelled at and bitched at for every thing that i do, even if im doing what he "wants" or doing what i actually need to do. im constantly getting lectured and bitched at for the failure that i am and for being such a disappointment to him, and for not being like one of his friends' kids or a lady on the news channel or something like that etc. im constantly being compared to unrealistic people as my dad "sets standards" for me and is constantly bitching at me for not reaching them. even if i stay home like he says, im wasting my time. and when im not home and im elsewhere like working or studying, im apparently a drug dealing hooker. -.-

nothign i even do, nothing i ever say ever pleases him. im apparently not good enough for him to even want to be alive, and im apparently not good enough for him to even want to call me his daughter.

sometimes shit like this just goes through one ear and out the other, and i simply try to ignore it. but other times, it really gets to me, and it makes me an emotional wreck as i cry and drown myself in tears for the reason of me being a complete failure in everyones eyes.

this relates back to how i always feel like im living my life to please others, and currently, am doing a shitty job at it. and this relates back to how im never good enough, for anyone. whether its my dad, my teachers, my boyfriends, my friends and myself.

i hate this feeling. i just wanna run away and find someone who is proud of me. but better yet, i just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel satisfied with where im at and how im feeling, cause ihavent felt that way for five years now.

mikey

i remember, i posted a blog, when i was pissed at mike, and i told him that "im never going to be alone" and that i will always have someone that loves me. but sometimes, i think, and i think.. who?
of course my family does, but sometimes i question mikey. we've gotten into plenty of arguments and the one thing that i always remember, is that he said "im boo without her" - and thinkin about this past weekend, how i was there, every minute he was going insane, crying his eyes out, bleeding, screaming, cussing yelling, hitting, grabbing.. etc and i didnt leave him once. even though the many times he told me to get away from him to leave him to get the fuck out of his face and the many times he walked and ran away from me... i still tried. i still pushed to get him back into my car, i tried to calm him down, wipe away his blood, withstand his abuse and insults and stuff. but at the end of it all, i think about, would he do the same for me? cause really, that was the worst experience in my life. i never ever felt liek that towards him. that scared. that angry. that worried. that lost. i felt all over the place. but i didnt leave his side. i didnt drive away. i never said "fuck you mikey, im leaving" never did i do or say that.

i just wonder sometimes, if he would put up with me, if i did what he did. if i cried and went crazy like he did. cause i know, he has a very low bullshit tolerance, and this recent weekend, was full of unnecessary bullshit.

idk, i love mikey to death, i just wonder, if i went that crazy like he did, if he would be there.
cause no doubt, i know that if anyone ever hurts me or touches me or fucks with me. he is right there to fight for me, but i just dont want him to ever leave.

work, home; boys

so, its been a VERY long time, since i haven't blogged. and thats due to my crazy work schedule.

but let me update you on some shit.

hmm, i work at two jobs now. i work about like 21-26 hours a week. so thats two days off, if i didnt request any other day off.

things at home are still the same. its like shit. i come home getting yelled at for never being home. when i stay home i get yelled at for my "unproductivity" and other shit too. and i know, its not entirely my fault. and its dumb because, i never seem to be able to make my dad happy regardless of how hard i try. i stay up till 4 in the morning doing homework, and he comes outside and yells an ear full for me staying up saying like.. "whythefuck are you up so late, homework should only take you an hour; you disappoint me; you are a waste of life; why cant you be 18 so i can retire in vietnam ETC ... like , all this shit that makes me feel like shit. all this crap that he says to me that makes me want to give up. and honestly, for a couple of months it did. i stopped going to school, i stopped caring, i stopped trying, and my gpa really dropped. but now, im so cold and bitter towards him, i just try to ignore it. i just know that there is nothng i can do to make him shut up and realize all the shit that i do in and out of school. there is nothing i can do to make him believe that im not a drug dealing prostitute. idk, i cant explain well the things that happen in my house, really, not even my best friend mikey knows. lately, i just try to not say anything and show no sign of weakness cause i dont want to complain and whine about the shit that i go through, caus ei just feel as if, the people i tell, they just pity me, and i dont want them to pity me, i wont them to really actually care. but its w.e. enough of that shit.

as for Michael delosreyes, i guess i just dropped all the shit that has happened in the past. im just w/e about it now. idk what made me forgive and let go all the shit that shit he put me through. i just dont care anymore. its just lately, i just feel so emotionless and even at times, full of mixed emotions.

for example, i was recently "interested" in a guy, and that shattered to pieces.

i just want to be happy, and i feel as if im surrounded by so much bullshit, its driving me insane.
i just want a fucking guy to be REAL with me. i want a guy thats not full of bullshit, thats considerate and thats not just out there for sex. cause in all honesty, i dont want that, i never did. ill admit, sometimes i get caught up in the moment, but idk why people think that i have sex on a fucking regular basis, cause its not even like that. but, even then, i dont know what i want, idk if i want a serious relationship, idk if i want just a "fling" . well actually, i dotn want a fling, cause that leaves me to be vulnerable to get used. etc. i guess you can just say, i need someone who understands me..

AHHHH im just so stressed and so confused, and my emotions are everywhere. i dont even know. one day i think i know what i want, the next day im fucking out of it and i wont even remember your name. right now, im just trying to keep myself happy and do the best i can to keep myself up.

imma stop complaining, sometimes i catch myself whining and complaining baout how bad i have it, but its just that, i feel so miserable sometimes, like at the end of the day, im really not happy. and i just occupy myself the whole day with artificial shit that "makes me happy" for that time being. i just want to be happy. but i guess tahts too much to ask for.

breakdown

its been a long time since ive blogged, but right now, im having a mental breakdown im just gonna talk out of my ass.

im so stressed out. today couldnt be worse. im not even going to go into detail

imma just let people know, please dont fuck with me right now, cuase its a period in my life right now that has been a struggle for me to get past, and my emotions are all over the place.

so as for now, im really busy. dont bother me. nor waste my time.
please.

update.

damn, its been a LONG time since ive blogged. but its all good though, ive just been busy with stuff.
apparently, i have a net stalker who is very much interested in my life, to the extent that they've gone to aim my old "friend" of mine. hmm, i wonder whom that could be. but anyways, idreallycare anymore.

i really have nothing to say either.

im just busy with work, school and studying, and thats my only and main concern at this moment.
not to mention i have sats this weekend.

oh btw, chung kim, is pretty fucking awesome. i would blogg about him more, but right now, imma take a nap. since its half day and i have a workshop to go to around 230.

a load of bullshit

sometimes people are so blind to the hurt that they have cause others, they soon move along with their life with no intentions on finding the truth behind my bitterness.
i dont get mad at someone for no reason. i dont stay mad at someone for no reason.

trust that, i dont have a cold heart, its just, people who dont take accountability for their actions in which it has affected ME, should i show no sign of remorse or sympathy in which they have caused me hurt, pain, agony and/or frustration.

dont apologize for your actions if you dont understand what and why you are apologizing .
put yourself in my position. listen and remember the things youve said to me.

its just, the thing i hate most is being unappreciated and used and taken advantage of, all feeling which i felt for that period of time i knew you, simple because the words you would spit and yell in my face, mattered. it may have not mattered to you, but it does to me. even if you were just talking out of frustration and anger (which you werent, as you said yourself) -- the things you say to people, it affects them, as it did me. all the things you said to me PROVE that, all the time i spent for you, on you, and with you meant nothing to you. all the tihngs you said to me prove that all my efforts in helping you and making you realize that i genuinely cared, dont matter. all the things youve said to me out of anger and frustration still rings in my ears. and if you dont remember or consider why i might be so bitter, than i have no reason to become less emotional from it.

and for you to toy with my emotions simple for your own entertainment really still says a lot about you. its the fact that you are still an inconsiderate selfcentered ass hole, cause what person who has "grown" and "changed into a better person" does that? you may have "grown" in the sense that you picked up your life a bit, but as for your shitty personality, it still shines through that fake armour that i once saw you in.

youre looking into a mirror and only see the reflection of your cute smiling face. turn the mirror a bit and see whats behind you, cause its not always about you.

new year?

dang, so basically i havent blogged in FOREVER! lets just say ive been busy winterbreak. HAHA.
well, i pretty much had a pretty chill winterbreak. i spent most of my time with my best friend (mikey FROST) cruising and what not. no doubt there was a few drama shit, but that was done and dealt with pretty quickly. man, i think i pulled like five all nighters. like, all after new years eve. it was crazy. there were two nights, where i didnt sleep at all. i believe it was new years day, i came home at 9am. slept till five. mikey woke me up, got ready, and went out again till like... idevenknow how long. but nonetheless, it was pretty fun. its starting to become a blurr since a lot happend.

but new years eve/day:
so, basically i drove around all of san diego with like five other cars, trying to find a party. it didnt happen. i ended up doing the count down in my car! but its okay, i had mikey and his [ex] bf in the car. i went to mikeys grandmas house that night. got woken up, cause some of my friends were stranded at like three in the morning. picked them up. stayed out till nine. thats a night i wont forget (; "BACKSEAT ACTION OHHH, all in the middle of traffic ohh. bout to pull over and give you the business!! " but, no one knows what im talking about.

hmm, then the rest of the days were like every other day. cruising in the car, running low on gas and what not. but its okay, me and mikey had fun (:

oh, and i saw MDR again. id just like to mention that, its not that i hate HIM, i just hate the person he is. like his personality and what not. and i know im not the only one. (the ones that know him atleast) . like, here you have this "good looking guy" but his personality is so shitty, he is automatically ugly in my eyes. but anyways, that doesnt really matter, since he doesnt matter.

OH OH OH! i forgot to mention. i met larry and ricky for the first time, i believe this past weekend. OH MAN IS RICKY HILARIOUS! he says some FUNNNYYYY shit when hes drunk. me mikey ricky and larry ended up pulling an all nighter. at least me and larry did, since the other two slept a bit. we were just parked right in front of kevins house (no not urslich) so yeah.

ill try to blog more ofter. i got shit to do right now.



OH as for MICHAEL DELOSREYES, get a life, and stay out of mine. why are you sitting in front of a computer reading blogs about a 16 year olds life. grow up. and stay the fuck away from me.