father. broken family. me.

currently, my hands are frozen so dont mind the typos and what not.


its these times throughout the year that really makes me think a lot about all that i have been through throughout my life, by myself and with my "family". i look all around and see families, getting together, sharing these special holidays together, as a family. but yeah, i dont think any of you really want to read a sob story, so ill try not to sound like a selfish, whiny brat.

so, as i was saying, its times during the year, such as christmas, where families get together and share the holidays together. i dont have that. from the longest that i can remember, my family has always been "broken." growing up watching my older siblings like my brother slack off in school, getting into trouble, and my sister, lying and decieving my parents.. i never really "looked up" to anyone in my family. as far back as i can remember, i use to remember my parents always fighting, about almost the same issue. money. they would yell and scream at eachother and i would stand there, by their feet, crying. wondering why they were arguing. i was probably 8 or 9 then. years go by, and my father, was not the nicest man out there. from the way he treated my mom, to how he treated my sister, and now, how he treats me. constant yelling, cussing, threatening and "down" talking all three of us. i use to cry all the time, for my mother. i use to cry all the time, for my sister. and now, i cry all the time for myself.

when i was 11/12, my mom left. she moved away to new orleans. this was right after my sister had turned 18. that age, i didnt understand. i remember when i was younger, i use to write in my diaries, the multiple ones that i still have, crying and writing, about how i hated my life and how i hated my mom for leaving me. i didnt understand why. i re-read those diaries back then now, but i can hardly make out what i wrote, not because it is illegible, but because the pen marks are all smudged by my tears i cried when i was younger. after a few years go by, i began to understand, why my mom left. by then, i grew this cold heart towards my dad. i was disgusted with him. with everything he has done, and everything he has said. as i grew up, i felt alone. my sister being 7 years older than i am, and my brother being 12 years older, everyone did their own thing. at least my older siblings did.

i remember in the sixth grade, when we use to have those awards ceromonies, i was the only student, whose mother wasnt frantically taking pictures, or whos father wasnt wistling at when my name was called. i would recieve my awards and look out into the audience, with no one to smile at. all my friends and teachers would ask where my family was at, but i always told them, "oh, they're all working" or "oh, they're busy" but in reality, my father was probably talking to his wife in vietnam on the phone at home, and my sister was probably off with her boyfriend, and my brother was probably staring at the computer screen playing WOW. then, middle school came. same thing. only my sister went to my "promotion." and now highschool, all the awards ive recieved and earned for the past years for being on the "principals honor roll" since freshman year, to recieving MVP for volleyball or playing all these different sports.. not once have one of my family members come to watch meplay volleyball or softball or to congratulate me for all the awards ive recieved.. not once.

sometimes i think to myself, why the fuck do i do all this shit. why the hell do i try so hard in school and put myself through so much stress with all these extra curricular activities . there has been so many times, where i just wanted to give up. but, times like this throughout the year, just remind me that, i never ever, want my child to feel as if they had no one to run to, like i did. i never want my kid to have to go through the pain of living with a broken family who dont know the meaning of thanksgiving or christmas or mothers day or fathers day. i dont want my child, to feel lost, like i do.

no one ever told me i had to do well in school. no one told me it was great to get a 4.0. no one ever told me wrong from right. no one ever told me about love. no one ever told me about sex. no one ever told me about guys. no one ever told me i needed a job. no one ever told me, i NEEDED TO BE INDEPENDENT. i did it all on my own, decided it all on my own, and got through with it all on my own.

but one this is for sure, that i learned everything from the mistakes of my own sister and brother and the things i came to realize from the relationship between my mom and dad. im sixteen now, and its been four years, since my mom had left, and its now, that i feel as if my sister and my brother exist or care. i talk to my sister now and again, as well as my brother.

dont get me wrong, i am grateful, for even having a family. but sometimes i wonder, if they know that i exisit. sometimes i wonder, if my dad even knows how old i am. (cause the last time i checked, he thought i was 18). sometimes i wonder, if all of this will be worth it.

maybe its just me being a whiny baby. but if i could tell you, and if you would listen, to the things that i have gone through, maybe, your views of me would change. because im NOT a typical spoiled selfish party animal or "ap student". im so much more than that.

i love my family, no matter what. but, i jsut hope, for all those whose family are loving and supportive, for them to be grateful for that. cause that is something that i have lacked in my life. and its something, that i always wished ive had.

i could go into more detail or explain more about why times like these during the year make me sad, but its a waste. ill blog about it later. when i feel emo again.