okay, so i was being a little drama queen and saying stuff that wasnt necessary for you guys to hear, but since im tryna keepit real, i would have deleted that blog, but ill just leave it.
so, the reason being for my "emo-ness" is all these memories of my past pains came rushing back, and in my head im thinking"fuck, why is it that i always get fucked over by everyone." and yes yes, its cause im "choosing the wrong guys" -- so yeah, i guess thats my fault. idk, i always believe guys and their bullshit sweet talking and it really does get the best of me. and from there, i become weak and vulnerable. but really, sometimes im always really really cold, and i have this barrier from the whole outside world and i tend to be a bit "mean" in terms of guys tryna get at me. i know i shouldnt damn the whole male population for a couple of guys who decided to be dicks and treat me like shit, but.. thats just how i am.
its weird cause, when im not being all "protective of myself" i get hurt, and when im super duper protective i miss out on a good guy that might have treat me right.
eww no more of this guy talk. i dont need them really. my schedule is always SUPER busy. i basically go to school. work. mesa. a sport(depending on the time of year) go home. study and hopefully sleep. and just recently, on weekends i began to start enjoying myself and surrounding myself with people im comfortable with.. like chung, and tommy etc. and thaankss to them, they are keeping me sane. (: but as for all the other people, they are just trying to add to my pile of stress and unnecessary bullshit and what not, and really, i dont need nor deserve it, so i jsut try to brush it off everytime. but im going to admit, it does get to me sometimes.
i know im a strong person when it comes down to being independent and self-reliable but, sometimes i just so pissed off and puzzled as to why people even bother trying to create more drama and unnecessary bullshit.. idk it makes me mad.. because if only they KNEW what the fuck was going on in my life, they might have the least bit understanding.
im NOT trying to make my life seem so complex and difficult, but its just at time i know that there were so many chances where i could have given up and not give a damn in the world about my grades, health, well being, money, family and all that.. but i guess that thing that is moving me forward is all those people who tell me i cant- especially my parents. although i would love to say that i have the "most supportive" family on this planet but i dont. i come home to a father that can do nothing but yell and scream about how much of a disgrace i am and how im out doing drugs and making money by selling my body (which is obviously not true) and basically makes me feel lower than dirt. and its those times when i want to give up and cry and hid in a little corner (or at least under my blanket) and just cry everything away (so emo right? haha) - but i know that one day.. all this hard work will pay off. all these sleepless nights, endless hours of studying, lack of sleep and food etc etc will all be worth it.
well imma stop here, of all my complaining and shit. back to work.
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